Sunday, April 25th 1999
Report by Mick Roberts

Break out your colostomy bags and buff up your zimmer frames for the old duffers day out is upon us once again. With aching bones and plodding limbs, Port Sunlight's Elder Statesmen, in an effort to roll back the years, once again took the field for the annual Chester Vets competition. Fired with their usual enthusiasm, and awash with alcohol from the 90th anniversary dinner, our merry band awaited the draw with baited breath and monumental hang-overs, eager to find out who lay between them and glory. However, the burgeoning sense of optimism was soon shattered as news filtered through of our first casualty; Peter Metcalfe, our talismanic silver-maned leader, reported sick, after having taken a tumble following the aforementioned feast. Quite what he was doing in a graveyard in the wee small hours is beyond the imagination of normal folk and may never be satisfactorily explained. The truth will be forever known only unto "Father Ted" and his conscience.

Still reeling from this hammer-blow, Sunlight's band of brothers suffered a further set-back when it was announced that there wasn't to be a plate competition and therefore if we wanted to have even a sniff of silverware we'd have to tough it out with the big boys. A small measure of relief was administered by the tournament organisers who kept us away from Waterloo and Preston Grasshoppers, drawing us in a group that pitched us up against Leigh, Oldershaw, Chester, and Anglesey Druids.

Having been advised that our first game would be delayed due to the late arrival of the Leigh squad, the million-pound trio of Mick Roberts (market value £500,000), Steve Cropper (value £495,998.50), and Phil Cullen (valued at thirty-bob) graciously accepted an invitation to bolster a seriously depleted Oldershaw side in the opening match against Chester. The experience gained was to prove invaluable.

With the million-pound men rested (having given their all for Oldershaw), Sunlight faced a strong Leigh outfit and were lucky to come away with just a 7-0 defeat. Pinned in defence, Sunlight rarely threatened the Leigh line and had only an early long-range drop-goal attempt from Paul Mitham to show for their efforts. Still, no need to worry as this followed the pattern of previous years with Sunlight making their customary slow start to the group games.

Next up was Oldershaw, now almost up to strength, but still seeking a speedster on the wing, but settling for Phil Cullen instead, a move that was to have far-reaching consequences for the Sunlight "twilight zoners". More than a match for Oldershaw, Sunlight took a deserved lead when Paul Crombie was put clear by a sparkling display of handling skills. Spotting a gap out on the right wing, Chris McGrath launched an outrageous long-range spin pass that was adroitly snared in his finger-tips by Pete Jones and quickly shipped on to "Linford" Crombie, who rounded Phil Cullen with contemptuos ease and sprinted home from 50 yards leaving all gasping in his wake. With Sunlight very much in the ascendency, other scoring opportunities came and went, most notably when Phil Cullen cruelly denied Simon Byrne, leaving the taciturn centre scrabbling in the dirt and such profligacy was to have a devastating result. This inability to turn domination into points was eventually to be Sunlight's downfall as with just seconds remaining, Oldershaw fly-half Dave Cooney juggled and twisted his way over the Sunlight line and converted from in front to level the game. With the Chester game to come next, the prospect of an early bath loomed.

Fate took another swipe at Sunlight's finest when hooker Jegsy Hall was rendered hors de combat with a shoulder injury and Mike Dorney was forced to step into the breach up front. With the knowledge gained by the players who had guested for Oldershaw, the Sunlight pack was fully prepared for the Chester tactic of going for an eight-man shove and not only easily absorbed the pressure, but were then able to turn the screw on their hosts. Chester had come into the game expecting an easy ride and were thorougly shocked to be given such a severe going-over. The winning margin of seven points to nil (Steve Silcock driving over from the base of a scrum, Paul Mitham goaling) wasn't a true reflection of a one-sided affair although seeing the smirk being wiped from a number of Chester faces was sweet revenge for their having defeated us in the 1998 plate final. If whinging was an Olympic sport, Chester would not only win the gold medal, they'd host the event as well. Allegedly!

With tails up and optimism restored, Sunlight went into the final group game against Anglesey Druids still believing they could qualify for the knock-out stages. Despite the Welshmen being able to boast of the presence of Hulk Hogan amongst their number, Sunlight took the game to the foreign invader and repelled the challenge from across the sea. With Ronnie Lee mesmerising the Druids and evoking memories of Phil Bennett with a string of audacious side-steps victory was never in doubt, despite the Welsh forwards showing that scrummaging is still a great strength and an art form amongst sides from the Principality. With Ronnie Lee galloping home a la Paul Crombie and Steve Silcock grabbing another try (Paul Mitham converting once), Steve Cropper came on to make his Sunlight Vets debut and a 12-0 win wrapped up the Sunlight group matches and so it was back to the club house to learn of our fate. An anxious wait, with much heated debate as to who should qualify, ended in disappointment and so our campaign was over for another year, and the build-up to next season's event begins again, in earnest, in July. For those who are interested in such matters, the final, a scrappy, ill-tempered, and dour affair, was won by Waterloo, with Preston Grasshoppers taking the runners-up spot, a result that was greeted with about as much enthusiasm by the crowd as is a Manchester United victory at Anfield.

Thats it from this correspondent for this season - normal coverage begins again in September.

To see the photos of the tour click here.